


it's all in your head (i said so's everything)

by btscurtis



Series: We're Always Sack [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, College, Eating Disorders, Exams, Finals Week, Fluff and Angst, Gay Jack Kline, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, M/M, Relapses, Stress, Stress Relief, Studying, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-11-12 20:01:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18017501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/btscurtis/pseuds/btscurtis
Summary: Finals week; the single worst weeks you'll ever have. Jack's been happy at college for three months with his boyfriend, but as his first semester ends, he's faced with more stress than he can take. After slipping into relapse territory, he learns a lesson in letting loose and talking about your feelings even if you know they're silly.(could be read alone, but reading the 1st fic in the series would help for context)





	it's all in your head (i said so's everything)

 

Jack is busier than he’s ever been. It was dangerously close to his end-of-semester exams. Three whole months of living on campus… it seemed crazy. Time seemed to flow fast-paced and slow at the same time, but he wouldn’t trade it for the world.

 

Well, now he would. It felt like Jack studied twenty hours a day and was in class for the other four. No time to head to the cafeteria, no time to hit the campus gym, and no time for Simon that wasn’t studying related.

 

He’s been rocking a mind-numbing headache for days, and everything is generally sucking. Jack isn’t just frustrated… honestly, he’s scared. Fine. He admits it. If Jack doesn’t have a good final grade, his life is as well as over. That might sound dramatic, but Jack’s perfectionist tendencies still follow him. If he chooses to pursue a career as a therapist, he  _ needs _ to know the material like the back of his hand. Psychology is the second most popular major. It’s a competitive field.

 

Jack is almost certain that Psychology is  _ his major. _ The major he wants to choose after the in-between semester break. The only reason it’s almost is that he doubts whether he can do it. Sometimes he finds himself wondering what he’s doing here. A Nephilim acting like a normal human being to everyone except his boyfriend.

 

This whole semester, he’s felt so confident. More mentally healthy than ever before. But with work piling up he’s canceled more appointments with his therapist than Jack can count.

 

He’s fine. He is.

 

He’s just not... great.

 

When he turns to look back at the previous page for the millionth time, Jack’s stomach lets out an ugly growl. He almost gets up to grab something quick at the cafeteria but immediately sits back down. He can’t afford to waste time. Jack is forgetting things the second he learns them and class is in a half an hour.

 

A pesky thought makes it to the forefront of his mind- he hasn’t been eating. Jack excuses it with  _ I’ve been busy, _ but the fact remains the same.

 

Jack forces out an audible laugh. He’s in a good place. He’s been in a good place for months. A few skipped meals don’t mean that things are getting bad again! Wow, finals are really getting to him. Jack recovered from his eating disorder, and it’s no longer a part of him. Nope, nada, zilch.

 

As he highlights the definitions he keeps forgetting, Jack won’t admit this to himself- but deep inside the backburner of his mind... he’s not sure.

 

* * *

 

It’s hard to pinpoint when it started. A couple of weeks ago? The thing is, at first, it was just not having time for lunch. Then it was  _ hey, I should get an early start on studying. I’m not even hungry anyways.  _ But he was. He is.

 

When Jack justified a small thing, it slowly pushed his limits further and further. He’s typically so proactive about managing his mental health. Typically. But his situation isn’t typical. Finals are edging closer and closer. It isn’t even about body image, he’s nervous. And Jack isn’t the greatest at good coping mechanisms.

 

It’s hard to explain to someone who’s never dealt with an eating disorder before. It all leads back to control. He feels overwhelmed and overworked. Jack is in a situation where control is completely out of his hands- and, however subconsciously, he wants it back. It makes him feel dominant over his own life when he prioritizes schoolwork over food. It’s different enough from the previous catalyst that it sneaks up on him.

 

Jack knows that this line of thinking is wrong. But he doesn’t even realize that he’s thinking it.

 

It hits him in the evening when Simon is still at his classes, the day before his first final exam. All he’s been doing is stressing over those damned tests, that it surprises him when he realizes,  _ “Oh. I didn’t eat today.” _

 

Jack ascends into a spiral of memories. Starving, fasting. Exercising until even his Nephilim lungs gave out. Hating every aspect of himself, feeling guilty for existing. It wasn’t even  _ really _ about body insecurity then, either. It was about Lucifer and everything that came with being his offspring. It was as if he just lost one more pound, achieved one more milestone, he could atone for all the mistakes he’s made in his short life.

 

“But I know now that I’m not Lucifer. I’m not evil. I have a good life and I want to be alive to live it. Food isn’t the enemy,” Jack said to himself.

 

He can’t let things get bad again. He has too much to lose.

 

But those memories are a part of him. They always will be. The disorder that nearly took his life? Jack can’t put that in a box and pretend it never happened.

 

With a begrudging sigh, Jack tentatively walks toward the mirror and unbuttons his shirt. When it falls to the side, he examines his body in this way for the first time in forever. Every crevice, every detail. He’s much more muscular than before he even heard the word anorexia, and certainly during his disorder. But since studying for finals began? He’s definitely lost some definition. No time for the gym when you’re busy trying not to fail at life.

 

Jack internally screams at himself. He doesn’t entertain these thoughts anymore. He’s better!

 

Eventually, he comes to a conclusion. Eight days until all his finals are complete. Three days until he gets the results. In a week and a half, everything will be fine. He’ll put this… series of mishaps, all behind him.

 

But the constant choice of recovery does not come easy, and you can’t fool yourself thinking things will better on their own.

 

 

* * *

 

Jack does try to eat as much as he can but every test he completes leaves him feeling nauseous. Double checking is a joke, he reads over his answers as if his life depends on it. It doesn’t even  _ matter, _ because every answer might as well be wrong, considering his anxious thoughts. As far as his mind is concerned, he’s gonna flunk everything, get kicked out of college, and die alone.

 

His stomach drops and churns with each scenario bouncing through his mind. Sometimes it’s not even the physical consequences, as his career or getting expelled. It’s the pure private humiliation. The standards he sets for himself and himself alone.

 

And going to therapy when he needs it most? Out of the question. Jack practically fears anything other than studying right now. He wishes he could be like Simon, so calm about everything. He’s definitely noticed something off with Jack, but he doesn’t want to pressure him.

 

Jack just doesn’t think he would understand. Not in a bad way. Simon would most certainly lend a comforting ear, but why bother him? It’ll all be over soon. Just a couple more days.

 

If he doesn’t flunk every test and loses the best things to ever happen to him.

 

He  _ tries _ to tell himself that he’s being ridiculous. But Jack knows that. Before he ever got expelled, he’d get put on academic probation for a year before they could do anything. Then his mind goes to  _ well, I’ll never get a job if I get a 0% my first semester.  _ He also knows that’s pretty much impossible. Jack’s aced everything thrown at him, but what if he gets nervous and fails everything? If he doesn’t pass the final exams, he doesn’t pass the classes. End of story.

 

Jack can’t tell his mind to stop worrying. Anxiety isn’t rational. And neither is he.

 

* * *

 

When he finishes his last exam, Jack nearly cries. No going back now. It’s all over and done with. His grades will be his grades. And that scares the hell out of him.

 

He does his best to distract himself. Reading, knitting, watching tv. But they’re all done on autopilot; leaving his thoughts racing all the same. It’s so  _ stupid. _

 

Jack jumps when their dorm room door bursts open. “Final exam finished at last!” Simon exclaims, rushing to sit next to him.

 

“Uhm, yeah, I’m so relieved!” Jack puts on a smile.

 

“Three weeks of semester break, that’s gonna be awesome. No classes, you all to myself… well, except when we visit our families. That’s gonna be great, too,” Simon grins.

 

“Exciting,” Jack nods, ignoring his upset stomach.

 

“We don’t have to worry about studying as we have for another three months! Freedom! I’ve missed just hanging with you all the time,” Simon continues.

 

Something he can answer honestly to, finally. “Me too.”

 

“Well, there’s nothing keeping us apart now. Nothing to worry or stress about in the world,” Simon leaned in, giving him a quick peck.

 

Jack unintentionally lets his face fall. Is there no one else who isn’t scared out of their minds? Too nervous to even eat?

 

Simon takes a long look at him, eyes squinting slightly in confusion. “Is there something wrong?”

 

“No, why would there be anything wrong? Everything’s worked out and great,” Jack insists.

 

Simon sighs. “It’s just… you seem off, lately. Like, more than finals stress. I haven’t seen you smile all week.”

 

Jack puts on a big, fake smile. “I’m smiling right now?”

 

Simon looks at him in a way that says  _ really, you think I bought that? _ Then proceeds to run a hand down his shoulder. “I mean a real smile. When your eyes are so squinted I can barely see them. When your cheeks puff out and I see your cute little barely-there dimples. I mean when you’re  _ happy. _ ”

 

Jack gives in. “Finals has me a bit stressed out. No big deal.”

 

“Well, they’re over. There’s no need to focus on those dumb tests of torture, right? We’re free!” Simon laughs a little, but his face falls when Jack still looks unhappy.

 

“They’re not, though. We still didn’t get our grades,” Jack emphasizes.

 

Simon looks confused. “Well, we’re both A and B students. You more A’s than B’s. What’s to worry about?”

 

Jack is astonished. “How can you  _ not _ be scared out of your mind? Aren’t you afraid of getting nervous and forgetting all the answers, or wondering if you studied the wrong parts? Thinking about whether all the answers you thought were right are all wrong and you’re gonna look like an idiot and-”

 

Jack huffs, realizing how much he’s rambling, wincing when he sees Simon’s baffled expression.

 

“I didn’t think you were that nervous. I mean, you’ve studied ten times as much as all the other students. You know all the material like the back of your hand. There’s no way you could get a bad grade,” Simon reasons.

 

Jack struggles to explain himself. “But I have so much to lose if I do. If I don’t pass these tests, I don’t pass the classes. If I fail all my classes it’s gonna look ridiculous on a job application. I’ll never get anywhere in life and I’ll get kicked out of college and have no one, and…” He trails off.

 

“But that’s crazy! You’re worried about  _ passing? _ Of course, you’re gonna pass. There’s no way you wouldn’t,” Simon asserts.

 

Jack bites his lip. He knew no one would get his stupid fears. “But if I  _ did, _ which could definitely happen, I was a nervous wreck during those tests, my life is basically over and I’ll have no future.”

 

Simon tilts his head. “You’d go on academic probation before ever getting kicked out. You could always retake the semester. And no matter what, I’m here with you. Jack, these ideas are preposterous. These concerns are all in your head-”

 

“So’s everything,” Jack interjected.

 

“What?” Simon asked, perplexed.

 

“Everything’s in my head, Simon. All our thoughts and feelings are in our minds. We are our minds. I know what I’m thinking is stupid! I tell myself that every day, but my nervousness doesn’t care. I still feel anxious and nauseous, for weeks now. Logic doesn’t change that…” Jack admitted.

 

“I didn’t know you felt that way. I guess I thought if I wasn’t worried you wouldn’t be either. We’ll get our results in three days, though! Then you can relax. I promise that everything’s gonna be okay,” Simon smiled sympathetically.

 

“I don’t know. I’m not good at relaxing. I suck at most things,” Jack looked away.

 

“I’ll do whatever I can to soothe your worries, even if logic and I can’t take it all way,” Simon spoke softly, wrapping his arms around him.

 

But then Simon seemed to freeze.

 

“Have you lost weight?”

 

Jack kicks himself. Was a couple of weeks of skipped meals enough for noticeable weight loss?

 

“No.”

 

Simon pulls away. “Honesty and trust are important, Jack. We’ve learned that. Have you been eating?”

 

Jack puts his head down. “I’ve been nervous. All my time has been spent studying and going over things a million times. I may have been eating less. It’s hard! When I’m anxious, I feel sick. When you’re sick, you don’t want to eat.”

 

Simon puts his face in his hand briefly. “But you’ve been doing so good lately. I didn’t even notice.”

 

“It’s not like a real relapse! I understand that food is important. I’ve learned so much about being healthy and I wanted to eat. But it’s like my body wouldn’t let me. It’s only a couple of weeks, so I thought it wouldn’t matter. I did eat some.”

 

“When’s the last time you ate?” Simon inquires.

 

“Well, yesterday…”

 

Upon seeing his face, Jack rushes to his own defense. “Today was my last exam. I was so afraid because there’s no going back. My grades will be whatever they are and I can’t change them.”

 

“You can’t not eat. That’s not an option. You’ve done everything you can to avoid getting sick again, don’t throw it away over some grades! They don’t matter. Certainly not more than you being healthy,” Simon starts to get emotional, and it kills him.

 

“I will!” Jack vows.

 

Simon pauses. “Okay, then eat with me. I haven’t had lunch yet, we can go to the cafeteria together and I can do my best to convince you that everything is going to be fine.”

 

It’s only when Jack feels his own hesitation that he realizes  _ oh shit, this is kind of a relapse. I need to nip this in the bud, like, now. _

 

“Okay,” Jack says.

 

Simon outstretches his hand, and Jack takes it thankfully. They make their way to the cafeteria and Jack orders his usual. Ham and swiss, heavy on the mayonnaise, with tomato and thick toast. It’s an important food for him; a prior fear food. When he eats it, it’s a symbol of his recovery and a reaffirmation of his health. Jack hasn’t had it since finals week started.

 

When they sit down at the small table, alone, Simon begins talking.

 

“Why do you think it scares you so much?” He prompts.

 

Jack analyzes his thoughts and actions for the first time. “I have everything I’ve ever wanted. I’m healthy, I have you, I’m on my way to chart my own future. Nothing’s holding me back, I’ve been so happy. When something challenges that, however minor you think it is, it… terrifies me. I don’t want to lose the things I love the most.”

 

“You’ve been through a lot to get where you are. It’s understandable. But all the amazing progress you’ve made? You won’t lose that because of some exams. I know you say logic doesn’t help, but… love isn’t logical, right? And you have my love,” Simon whispers out, somewhat embarrassed from his own cheesiness.

 

Jack smiles a real smile and lets out a laugh. “ And you have mine. God, I’ve put you through a lot. You had no idea what you were getting into when you asked me out that day in the park,” He says, with shy guilt.

 

“Yeah, I had no idea I’d meet the most interesting person in the world who somehow thinks I’m worth his time,” Simon retorts.

 

“Don’t get me started. Remember when I wrote you that essay about how amazing you are? I  _ will _ go to extreme measures if you ever put yourself down, ever,” Jack threatens.

 

Simon snorts, before retaining a more serious face. “If you’re nervous, well… I remember Elena from Math’s saying that when she feels panicked, she imagines being in the calmest, lovely place she can think of. Plugs her ears, shuts her eyes, and immerses herself in that reality until she feels better.”

 

Jack nods, “I can do that.”

 

“What would be your special place?” Simon inquires.

 

He looks at Simon. There are about a zillion hungry teens in that large room, making a reasonable amount of noise even though they’re tucked away in a corner. But all he can see and feel is him.

 

“Anywhere with you,” Jack answers.

 

Simon instantly blushes, nervously chuckling. “O-oh well, that should be easy then. Cause that’s real for you, right now.”

 

“Yeah. It is. I have an amazing reality, and… I won’t lose it anytime soon. I have to force myself to understand that. Even if my dumb racing thoughts try to convince me otherwise. I need to work through them and take care of myself,” Jack says, partly as a note-to-self.

 

Simon puts his hand on his. “Right now, all I’m hearing are very smart thoughts.”

 

Jack laughs, looking down with a sigh. “This whole time I’ve been obsessing over losing everything I’ve worked for, but the only thing making that happen was me. Shutting everyone out, canceling therapy appointments and worrying myself sick to the point I can’t eat. Those tests weren’t the antagonist. I was.”

 

“We all make mistakes. But you never have a bad intention, ever. That’s what makes a strong, healthy, good person. I love you; racing thoughts and all,” Simon grins.

 

Jack’s cheeks turn red. Still, after over a year. “I love you too. Even if you lick the cream part of an Oreo and discard the cookies.”

 

Simon rolls his eyes. “You still won’t get over it.”

 

“Because you flaunt it every day! I’ll be doing homework and you yell at me to look at you. And when I do you eat it like that because you know it irks me!” Jack cackles.

 

“Nu-uh. It makes you laugh just like now. I do it because it makes you happy,” Simon says sappily.

 

Jack huffs, trying to hide his smile. “Stop being a great person. It hurts my heart.”

 

“I will when you stop knitting me mini-hearts and dropping them on me in my sleep. Face it. We’re doomed to be in the honeymoon phase for all eternity.”

 

Jack feels warm all over, and no, not in  _ that _ way. He feels reassured that no matter what, life is good. Life is what you make it. He can choose to obsess over ridiculous scenarios and cancel anything that isn’t studying or he can appreciate everything he has.

 

When you have something good, you can’t constantly worry about losing it. Life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, you could definitely run into bad circumstances, sure. But if you’re so scared of the seemingly inevitable doom, what’s to enjoy of your current situation? Jack could’ve been happy if he’d only allowed it for himself. Self-sabotage is all too common, and he won’t let it go on any longer.

 

He may feel scared. But those feelings will come and go. Whatever the universe has in store? Let it come storming through. Jack has faced the devil himself, and the many forms that evil presents itself. Let it be known, paranoid mind, that he will not be the one to take himself down.

 

As it turns out, all he needed was to speak them aloud and not let them terrorize his brain. Sometimes all that’s required is a comforting ear. Whether it be a therapist, a friend, or a Simon.

 

* * *

 

 

Refresh, refresh, refresh. That’s all Jack has done on grading day, cuddled up next to Simon.

 

“They’re probably not gonna update it til’ the afternoon,” Simon reasoned.

 

“I know,” Jack sighed.

 

Simon started to run his fingers through his hair, humming a sweet tune. He typically refused to do any type of singing in front of him, because Jack would always go overboard and screech about how amazing he sounds. But he knew it soothed him, so he whisper-sung the words to Sweater Weather by The Neighborhood.

 

Deciding to give it one last refresh before giving his brain a break, Jack tapped the screen once more.

 

And there were his grades, ready to be seen.

 

In a haste, Jack pressed his phone face-down on his chest, clamping his eyes shut. He’s not ready. Not ready at all. Stupid dumb thoughts. Stupid dumb worries. Why should he be forced to see them now?

 

“I can read them if you want,” Simon offered.

 

Jack nodded, thanking him, handing him his phone. Simon did some tapping and scrolling, before looking up with a huge grin.

 

“All A’s. Did I tell you so or did I tell you so?”

 

Jack jumped. “Are you serious!? Are you joking!?”

 

Simon laughed. “I wouldn’t!,” He looked down at the screen again. “Oh, well, you got a B+ in American History, but who cares. You have amazing grades. There was nothing to worry about,” He handed Jack the phone.

 

Jack marveled at his scores. “I can’t believe it. I didn’t mess up. I was sure my nerves would get the best of me… I was so scared for nothing.”

 

“Well, at least you won’t have to go through this again next semester. You’ve proven yourself. I don’t think you’ll ever get a bad grade in your life,” Simon replied.

 

“I had the best tutor,” Jack complimented.

 

Simon pulled out his own phone, going to the grading app.

 

“Well, you’d be a better tutor than me. I only got one A, the rest were B’s,” Simon mentioned.

 

“A ‘B’ is above average. We both got great grades.”

 

The moral of the story, however cliche that sounds, is be upfront and honest about what you’re thinking. Even if you know your thoughts are silly, an anxious mind won’t care. But hearing reassurances from outside, unjudging perspectives is irreplaceable. Don’t let racing thoughts pile up and break you down.

 

Relapses can easily sneak up on you, but trust in the ones closest to you. Let someone take the wheel and give your mind a break. Because you’re worth it.

 

With nothing holding him back, Jack plans to make the most out of the semester break.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I've edited and gone over this a zillion times but I'm still not sure if its good enough sIGH. I hope you enjoy.


End file.
